It's been a while.

I think my depression is coming back. I can't tell any of my friends so I will tell you, whoever you may be. 
I stopped writing because I didn't think I needed to anymore. I write to feel better, I can express my emotions without a care in the world or without fear of judgement. Now, I write again because I can't find the right words to tell my friends how I really feel. They'd sent me to the hospital or something anyway. I don't want that. I want to be able to say I got over my illness on my own.
I know I should see it this way, but I see depression as a simple cold. It gives me hope that one day, my cold will be gone and I will be happy once more. Truth is, colds happens all the time, multiple times a year. I hadn't thought of that until now. Depression is my cold. 
Everything seems to be going perfectly until one simple thing happens and brings back all the problems. My problems aren't even major but they affect me so much. I consider myself an emotional wreck all the time now.
Here's an update though: 

• I've lost my best friend. I guess he simply decided one day that he wouldn't talk to me ever again. I try to not let it bother me, but truth is, I miss him every day. He was the first boy I ever really loved and he was my best friend. (M)
• I'm really good friends with someone in my program. She's really nice but is really caught up in her own life. I try going to her for help about anything but my life will always be second to hers. It always makes me feel unimportant. (A)
• I've been friends with this guy for the past few years. We tried dating at first but it was forced because of our friends. We broke up because we knew we weren't making our own decisions. We were still good friends. Over the summer, we became closer and some may even say we were an item. I never knew what we were because I don't like rushing in to things. I liked him and he liked me. That's all we knew. That's all that was needed. Recently, I found out that I'm only a piece of his game. He keeps me around because he knows I will always be there. He doesn't want to label anything because he still wants to have fun at school. That really hurt. I never thought he was the type of guy to do that. (S)
• I now have trust issues. I haven't dated in a year for a reason. My last boyfriend cheated on me and didn't even have the guts to tell me. I had to find out from someone else. We haven't talked since. And as for the guy above, he was my friend first. How can a friend do that to a friend?

The worst part about all this, is that I was a happy child. Everyone knew me as the always-positive one. I liked being known as that and I will work hard every day to achieve that once more. 
This blog is mainly to keep me from cutting again. I think it's been two years since I last cut. That scars are almost gone and they were there as a reminder. Over the past two years, I always wrote when the need to cut became overwhelming. Today, I'm not too sure writing will stop it. Please help.