The Story of Survival

My friends and their parents have always told me that I was the positive one. And as a kid, I always was. I didn't know the danger that the world could bring; the pain, the torture; the insanity.
Before anyone continues reading this, it isn't a sad story or a complaint about life. It is a story of success, or overcoming what life has thrown my way.
I started this blog because I thought writing about my life would help me get through whatever it was that was happening in that moment. Honestly, writing always helps me but sometimes, it just triggers a memory I try so hard to forget, which is why I haven't posted in a while. I needed time. Time to think, and figure out who I am and where my life is heading. 
I am now a college graduate who is working three jobs to make enough money to continue my education. My life has changed so much over the past few weeks that I sometimes think it's too much. I know now that I can handle it. I don't ignore my problems anymore.
---Here's my story---
PART ONE: Early Life
I grew up in a world that I knew nothing about. I was shielded from the world and I am thankful for that although it has created some complications. I've learned that the way I was brought up isn't necessarily the best way, but I will learn from it. My parents are very judgemental and I have taken the same state of mind. My parents taught me that there are people above us, and people below us. I know that is true but I also have realized that we are all people, we all deserve the same. I'm still trying to get out of that mind set of the pyramid of society. I am still learning.
I was very fortunate as a child. I always had a roof over my head and food on my plate at dinner. I never thought anything of it. Now I know there are people out there who struggle to survive, to feed their family, and there are some who don't know where they are going to sleep tonight. I hope that once I figure out my life and settle down, I can help the less fortunate. I want them to be able to have a roof over their heads and food on their plates. When I went to Costa Rica with Habitat for Humanity, it was a life-changing opportunity. I loved seeing the smiles on the children's faces when they saw their new home. 
PART TWO: 
When I was 15, I met someone who became very important to me. Despite the distance, we kept in touch. He was my best friends and the first person I fell in love with. He made me believe I was special and important. He believed in my like no one had before. He knew everything about me like I knew everything about him. When I needed someone to talk to, he was always there. Until one day, he wasn't. 
All of a sudden, he had changed. He became a stranger to me. From there, everything went downhill. My self-esteem disappeared and I lost hope in any friendship or any relationship. I couldn't allow myself to get close to anyone the same way because I was terrified of getting hurt. I spent weeks, months, trying to figure out why someone would drop me like that. No matter what I did, he wouldn't speak to me. I was pathetic with my attempts. The last thing he said to me before leaving was, "You're my best friend, I love you. Nothing and no one will ever change that." 
Those words will forever be stuck in my head. 
I spoke to him recently. I had lead myself to believe he ditched me for a girl. He told me he went through a depressive cycle and dropped everyone. I believed him.
I was such a fool. He turned around and did the exact same thing again. We haven't spoken since, nor do I want to. He's inflicted enough damage. 
For the past two years, I have been so broken. I tried forgetting everything that had happened but with no success. 
I remembered my childhood. It was so happy and full of smiles. 
PART THREE: Recovery
Thinking of my childhood has helped me so much. I strived to be that little always-positive girl I use to be.  Remembering the good times instead of the bad doesn't always fix things but it sure as hell can improve situations. I am amazed with how much I've changed in just a few short months. I've come to realize that I live my life for me. Not you, not my friends, not my family, not anyone. It is my responsibility to make a life worth living. 
The guy I fell in love with is no longer a problem of mine. I gave him a second chance (like a fool) and he is definitely not getting a third. 
I can truly say that I am happy now. Despite working most of the time, I try to find time for myself. I work three jobs and yet I still hang out with my friends. I am taking classes online to be eligible to continue my post-secondary education. If I get accepted, I have five years until the "real world". 
I'm opening up again. I welcome new friends and I don't shy away from relationships. My friends have noticed a great improvement in my life and they are partially responsible. I love them so much. 
I have learned to trust again. I have been with my boyfriend now for almost six months. 
Every day, I wake up amazed that I am capable of so much. I can trust, I believe in myself and I always try to stay positive and optimistic about life. 
Always find a reason to smile ♥︎

Tattoo

I'm terrified but I want to get a tattoo. My best friend and I want similar tattoos. They will be very meaningful. We've both been through difficult times and want a tattoo to remind us that things have been bad but we've made it past that.
This is the tattoo she wants. Stay Strong means a lot to her because that's what she keeps telling herself when things get rough. It keeps her going. The infinity symbol is to signify we never gave up.

Stay strong - Infinity - Scribble - Just Breathe

My tattoo will be the same but it will say Just Breathe. Every time something isn't going right, I tell myself to just breathe and it will be over shortly. Whenever I get angry, I tell myself to just breathe and regain my calm. All my friends tell me the same too; they know when it needs to be said. 

The feather, for me, means communication. I use writing as a method to express myself, even if it's just simply in a personal diary. I love writing and it has gotten me through so much in my life. Now, instead of the knife, I pick up a pen and start writing. It may have saved my life.

We want to get it done over the Christmas break when we are both home. For placement, I'm thinking back left shoulder. It won't be completely visible but I will know it's there. 

I'm excited but terrified at the same time. I'm probably more terrified of telling my parents. 

Just Breathe

I had an amazing weekend! I didn't do much but my best friend came to visit. We both needed it. She recently broke up with her boyfriend and my life has slowly been going down hill. We both needed a friend. Unfortunately, the weekend did have to end eventually. 
I've been thinking a lot lately... That's never a good thing.
There's this guy from my hometown that I really like. We dated a few years ago but it wasn't really us. We were forced by our friends. Now, we've had time to actually get to know each other. Turns out, I do really like him, and I think he likes me too.
It can be so complicated sometimes though. We act like a couple when we're together but we never actually talk about it. I've tried explaining this in a nice way, a way that doesn't make him seem like a jerk, but I can't do it. He's actually a really nice and sweet guy. 
I've talked to some of our friends and he's apparently afraid of the distance. He doesn't want to start a relationship based on long distance. That's why we broke up in the first place but we are two different people now. We see each other every few weeks so it's not a lost cause. 
I've been trying to find the courage to talk to him about all this but I can't. I'm too chicken. The last time I fell for a guy, he ended up breaking my heart and never speaking to me again.
I know he's in university right now and there will be other girls but I just want to believe that I'm different, that I mean something more to him. He definitely means something more to me. 
I will always be curious about what we could be if I never take the chance.
One day, (hopefully soon) I will convince myself to talk to him. Just breathe and take a leap of faith.
Why do relationships need to be so complicating?

It's been a while.

I think my depression is coming back. I can't tell any of my friends so I will tell you, whoever you may be. 
I stopped writing because I didn't think I needed to anymore. I write to feel better, I can express my emotions without a care in the world or without fear of judgement. Now, I write again because I can't find the right words to tell my friends how I really feel. They'd sent me to the hospital or something anyway. I don't want that. I want to be able to say I got over my illness on my own.
I know I should see it this way, but I see depression as a simple cold. It gives me hope that one day, my cold will be gone and I will be happy once more. Truth is, colds happens all the time, multiple times a year. I hadn't thought of that until now. Depression is my cold. 
Everything seems to be going perfectly until one simple thing happens and brings back all the problems. My problems aren't even major but they affect me so much. I consider myself an emotional wreck all the time now.
Here's an update though: 

• I've lost my best friend. I guess he simply decided one day that he wouldn't talk to me ever again. I try to not let it bother me, but truth is, I miss him every day. He was the first boy I ever really loved and he was my best friend. (M)
• I'm really good friends with someone in my program. She's really nice but is really caught up in her own life. I try going to her for help about anything but my life will always be second to hers. It always makes me feel unimportant. (A)
• I've been friends with this guy for the past few years. We tried dating at first but it was forced because of our friends. We broke up because we knew we weren't making our own decisions. We were still good friends. Over the summer, we became closer and some may even say we were an item. I never knew what we were because I don't like rushing in to things. I liked him and he liked me. That's all we knew. That's all that was needed. Recently, I found out that I'm only a piece of his game. He keeps me around because he knows I will always be there. He doesn't want to label anything because he still wants to have fun at school. That really hurt. I never thought he was the type of guy to do that. (S)
• I now have trust issues. I haven't dated in a year for a reason. My last boyfriend cheated on me and didn't even have the guts to tell me. I had to find out from someone else. We haven't talked since. And as for the guy above, he was my friend first. How can a friend do that to a friend?

The worst part about all this, is that I was a happy child. Everyone knew me as the always-positive one. I liked being known as that and I will work hard every day to achieve that once more. 
This blog is mainly to keep me from cutting again. I think it's been two years since I last cut. That scars are almost gone and they were there as a reminder. Over the past two years, I always wrote when the need to cut became overwhelming. Today, I'm not too sure writing will stop it. Please help.

Good night, and good luck

Another day has come to be and as the days go by, I become more and more confused with life. I am so fascinated by so many things that I don't know what I want to do. It's been a while since the last time I placed pen to paper to write for me. Life has so many options. I love writing; I love music; I love art. Neither I am good enough to make anything of it. I wish I could sing, life would be so much easier. I wish I could put my imagination on paper, or even canvas, everything would be explained.
Deciding what to do seems like such a small decision but it is the most difficult to make. How will I know I've make the right choice? I know I want to write, but I don't want to be a journalist. I want to write children's books or even a romantic thriller. I just can't seem to find the words. Over the next few days, I hope to start my first children's book. Even if it's just a few ideas on a piece of paper, I will feel accomplished. This is only the beginning. Wish me luck!

Published

My entire life, I believed I was never good enough. In high school, I attended a French school in an English community so I always felt like my English wasn't as good. I have always known that I've wanted to write because of my imagination. No matter what language, my imagination would never end. It could take me places I have never been before or even scare me in ways I didn't think possible. 
College has taught me that I shouldn't be too harsh on myself. For some reason, people see me differently here. We published our first edition of the school newspaper today and not only did I get my story published, but I was also assigned as the associate editor. Today, my news story as well as my editorial got published for everyone to see and I am still speechless and amazed. My picture for my news story also made front page! I can't believe it. Today has really helped me with my confidence and self-esteem. :) 

Transition

High school was hell for me, which I'm sure, it was hell for many more. I put up with everyone's bull shit in high school because, I thought, it's only four years of my life, what could go wrong. I was the punching bag in high school – Not physically but verbally. I thought it would all change. Turns out, everything is the same here. I think I've cried myself to sleep more often this past year at college than the four years in high school.
The weird thing about this new life is that I'm having more fun. I either have really good days or really bad days. In high school, they were all just neutral or bad.
At this point, people would probably say stand up for yourself. I do stand up for myself, but within reason. I don't like making a big deal of things because, honestly, they shouldn't bug me as much as they do. And if I reacted to anything, I would be known as the bitch. I like staying quiet.