I don't know where to begin with this post..
I've started waking up in the morning and actually smiling when I look in the mirror. I like what I'm seeing. I know I'm not the skinniest girl, or the prettiest girl, but I'm happy. Not every morning is like this but those bad days are becoming more rare. There is so much coming up in my life and I'm so unbelievably excited to start that new chapter. My book is still unwritten but I'm at the point where I can't stop turning the pages. It's so hard not skipping forward.
I can't believe I've finally reached a point in my life where I'm excited to be alive. I thought I'd never have that.
Sunday, 22 March 2015
Friday, 23 January 2015
Heads Carolina, Tails California
I'm taking a break from life to write this little post or I will probably go insane. My life has been changing tremendously lately and I'm still trying to get use to it. I've been so caught up with getting my future on the right track that I haven't had any time to myself. There are so many things I want to do but I feel guilty if I do them. I feel like I need to dedicate every second of my time to moving forward.
I want to read. I want to write. I want to draw. I want to do all these things that use to make me so happy. Now, it's just living day by day, hoping the next one will be better than the last. Despite all the change, I'm still here. I'm working on that. In a few months, once everything is figured out, I might be moving. With any luck, I will be able to start fresh. New life, new people, new surroundings. It's what I need. There are so many times that I just want to pack my stuff, hop in my car and drive. No specific destination, just somewhere else.
I need to live my life. When I was younger, I thought I'd be so much further along by now. I had so many ideas and expectations, but now, my only goal is to be happy.
Forget the past, live for the future.
I want to read. I want to write. I want to draw. I want to do all these things that use to make me so happy. Now, it's just living day by day, hoping the next one will be better than the last. Despite all the change, I'm still here. I'm working on that. In a few months, once everything is figured out, I might be moving. With any luck, I will be able to start fresh. New life, new people, new surroundings. It's what I need. There are so many times that I just want to pack my stuff, hop in my car and drive. No specific destination, just somewhere else.
I need to live my life. When I was younger, I thought I'd be so much further along by now. I had so many ideas and expectations, but now, my only goal is to be happy.
Forget the past, live for the future.
Friday, 5 September 2014
Halloween
Halloween. It's known as a holiday in so many countries. I don't think anyone will ever understand how much Halloween actually means to me. It's the one day a year that people can be who they want to be without judgement. They can choose to be someone completely different — a hero, a villain, a character, a monster, anything! I've been many things over the years like a witch, a vampire, Cousin It, a pumpkin, even an abused child. The last one got many stares throughout the day, a few freak-outs too. I've been a witch multiple times. I think it's because I've always wanted to banish the problems away and witches didn't give a damn about what others thought. I wish I had their strength. Their powers wouldn't be so bad either.
The main reason why Halloween means so much to me is because it is this time of year, three years ago, that I realized that I will never be what society expects me to be. I can't let society influence the way I live my life. Three years ago, I stopped cutting. I stopped self-harming. I stopped because it's my life, not theirs. I thought I wasn't good enough to survive in this world but Halloween has taught me that everyone lives in the fear of society. Those who are strong enough can survive and will be happy. I hope to be one of those people some day.
It's still two months away but I am beyond excited. It's nice to have something to look forward to. This year, I'm going as Mickey Mouse. I wanted to be something positive. It's going to be a Halloween to remember.
The main reason why Halloween means so much to me is because it is this time of year, three years ago, that I realized that I will never be what society expects me to be. I can't let society influence the way I live my life. Three years ago, I stopped cutting. I stopped self-harming. I stopped because it's my life, not theirs. I thought I wasn't good enough to survive in this world but Halloween has taught me that everyone lives in the fear of society. Those who are strong enough can survive and will be happy. I hope to be one of those people some day.
It's still two months away but I am beyond excited. It's nice to have something to look forward to. This year, I'm going as Mickey Mouse. I wanted to be something positive. It's going to be a Halloween to remember.
---Halloween means strength---
Years Later
I haven't written in a while. I know, I'm sorry. Life has been so overwhelming this summer that I've barely had the time. When I do get some time to myself, I don't feel like writing. Life has been a roller coaster, I won't lie. There are times where I feel like I'm on top of the world. I'm happy. I feel like nothing will change that. And then something does. Other times, I don't understand why I'm alive. I want to say that I'm recovering, that I'm getting better and that I will be happy, but for me, happiness isn't forever. Happiness is a short time between downfalls of this roller coaster.
I have plans for my life. Those plans only extend five years in to the future but that's good.. Right? I want to know that my live will be good, even great but nothing I do will convince me of that.
I just read my last post on this blog and I seemed happy, not problem-free, but happy. Now, I'm not so sure. Most of my friends have gone back to college or university and I feel so alone. I'm filling my life with work and pointless TV shows. I look at the characters on these shows, they go through so much but they find a way to be happy in the end. I know it's a show, but somehow I relate. My life is nothing like theirs. My problems are nothing like theirs. But I seek happiness.
This summer was probably the worst summer of my life. It was full of drama and stress, and I'm one of those people who avoid those two things at all cost. The drama is getting better but the stress is still there. There is such a big weight on my shoulders to be good at life. I fear failure. And if I fail life, that's the biggest failure there can be.
---
I want to blame him for all my problems. He has caused me so much pain and it's taken me years to recover. I'm still recovering. He killed my confidence, my trust and my ability to see the world as a good place. I still haven't talked to him. I still don't want to but I want him to pay for what he's done to me. He doesn't even realize what he's done but I'm too afraid to tell him. I don't want him to know that he still has an affect on me all these years later.
I have plans for my life. Those plans only extend five years in to the future but that's good.. Right? I want to know that my live will be good, even great but nothing I do will convince me of that.
I just read my last post on this blog and I seemed happy, not problem-free, but happy. Now, I'm not so sure. Most of my friends have gone back to college or university and I feel so alone. I'm filling my life with work and pointless TV shows. I look at the characters on these shows, they go through so much but they find a way to be happy in the end. I know it's a show, but somehow I relate. My life is nothing like theirs. My problems are nothing like theirs. But I seek happiness.
This summer was probably the worst summer of my life. It was full of drama and stress, and I'm one of those people who avoid those two things at all cost. The drama is getting better but the stress is still there. There is such a big weight on my shoulders to be good at life. I fear failure. And if I fail life, that's the biggest failure there can be.
---
I want to blame him for all my problems. He has caused me so much pain and it's taken me years to recover. I'm still recovering. He killed my confidence, my trust and my ability to see the world as a good place. I still haven't talked to him. I still don't want to but I want him to pay for what he's done to me. He doesn't even realize what he's done but I'm too afraid to tell him. I don't want him to know that he still has an affect on me all these years later.
Wednesday, 14 May 2014
The Story of Survival
My friends and their parents have always told me that I was the positive one. And as a kid, I always was. I didn't know the danger that the world could bring; the pain, the torture; the insanity.
Before anyone continues reading this, it isn't a sad story or a complaint about life. It is a story of success, or overcoming what life has thrown my way.
I started this blog because I thought writing about my life would help me get through whatever it was that was happening in that moment. Honestly, writing always helps me but sometimes, it just triggers a memory I try so hard to forget, which is why I haven't posted in a while. I needed time. Time to think, and figure out who I am and where my life is heading.
I am now a college graduate who is working three jobs to make enough money to continue my education. My life has changed so much over the past few weeks that I sometimes think it's too much. I know now that I can handle it. I don't ignore my problems anymore.
---Here's my story---
PART ONE: Early Life
I grew up in a world that I knew nothing about. I was shielded from the world and I am thankful for that although it has created some complications. I've learned that the way I was brought up isn't necessarily the best way, but I will learn from it. My parents are very judgemental and I have taken the same state of mind. My parents taught me that there are people above us, and people below us. I know that is true but I also have realized that we are all people, we all deserve the same. I'm still trying to get out of that mind set of the pyramid of society. I am still learning.
I was very fortunate as a child. I always had a roof over my head and food on my plate at dinner. I never thought anything of it. Now I know there are people out there who struggle to survive, to feed their family, and there are some who don't know where they are going to sleep tonight. I hope that once I figure out my life and settle down, I can help the less fortunate. I want them to be able to have a roof over their heads and food on their plates. When I went to Costa Rica with Habitat for Humanity, it was a life-changing opportunity. I loved seeing the smiles on the children's faces when they saw their new home.
PART TWO:
When I was 15, I met someone who became very important to me. Despite the distance, we kept in touch. He was my best friends and the first person I fell in love with. He made me believe I was special and important. He believed in my like no one had before. He knew everything about me like I knew everything about him. When I needed someone to talk to, he was always there. Until one day, he wasn't.
All of a sudden, he had changed. He became a stranger to me. From there, everything went downhill. My self-esteem disappeared and I lost hope in any friendship or any relationship. I couldn't allow myself to get close to anyone the same way because I was terrified of getting hurt. I spent weeks, months, trying to figure out why someone would drop me like that. No matter what I did, he wouldn't speak to me. I was pathetic with my attempts. The last thing he said to me before leaving was, "You're my best friend, I love you. Nothing and no one will ever change that."
Those words will forever be stuck in my head.
I spoke to him recently. I had lead myself to believe he ditched me for a girl. He told me he went through a depressive cycle and dropped everyone. I believed him.
I was such a fool. He turned around and did the exact same thing again. We haven't spoken since, nor do I want to. He's inflicted enough damage.
For the past two years, I have been so broken. I tried forgetting everything that had happened but with no success.
I remembered my childhood. It was so happy and full of smiles.
PART THREE: Recovery
Thinking of my childhood has helped me so much. I strived to be that little always-positive girl I use to be. Remembering the good times instead of the bad doesn't always fix things but it sure as hell can improve situations. I am amazed with how much I've changed in just a few short months. I've come to realize that I live my life for me. Not you, not my friends, not my family, not anyone. It is my responsibility to make a life worth living.
The guy I fell in love with is no longer a problem of mine. I gave him a second chance (like a fool) and he is definitely not getting a third.
I can truly say that I am happy now. Despite working most of the time, I try to find time for myself. I work three jobs and yet I still hang out with my friends. I am taking classes online to be eligible to continue my post-secondary education. If I get accepted, I have five years until the "real world".
I'm opening up again. I welcome new friends and I don't shy away from relationships. My friends have noticed a great improvement in my life and they are partially responsible. I love them so much.
I have learned to trust again. I have been with my boyfriend now for almost six months.
Every day, I wake up amazed that I am capable of so much. I can trust, I believe in myself and I always try to stay positive and optimistic about life.
Always find a reason to smile ♥︎
Before anyone continues reading this, it isn't a sad story or a complaint about life. It is a story of success, or overcoming what life has thrown my way.
I started this blog because I thought writing about my life would help me get through whatever it was that was happening in that moment. Honestly, writing always helps me but sometimes, it just triggers a memory I try so hard to forget, which is why I haven't posted in a while. I needed time. Time to think, and figure out who I am and where my life is heading.
I am now a college graduate who is working three jobs to make enough money to continue my education. My life has changed so much over the past few weeks that I sometimes think it's too much. I know now that I can handle it. I don't ignore my problems anymore.
---Here's my story---
PART ONE: Early Life
I grew up in a world that I knew nothing about. I was shielded from the world and I am thankful for that although it has created some complications. I've learned that the way I was brought up isn't necessarily the best way, but I will learn from it. My parents are very judgemental and I have taken the same state of mind. My parents taught me that there are people above us, and people below us. I know that is true but I also have realized that we are all people, we all deserve the same. I'm still trying to get out of that mind set of the pyramid of society. I am still learning.
I was very fortunate as a child. I always had a roof over my head and food on my plate at dinner. I never thought anything of it. Now I know there are people out there who struggle to survive, to feed their family, and there are some who don't know where they are going to sleep tonight. I hope that once I figure out my life and settle down, I can help the less fortunate. I want them to be able to have a roof over their heads and food on their plates. When I went to Costa Rica with Habitat for Humanity, it was a life-changing opportunity. I loved seeing the smiles on the children's faces when they saw their new home.
PART TWO:
When I was 15, I met someone who became very important to me. Despite the distance, we kept in touch. He was my best friends and the first person I fell in love with. He made me believe I was special and important. He believed in my like no one had before. He knew everything about me like I knew everything about him. When I needed someone to talk to, he was always there. Until one day, he wasn't.
All of a sudden, he had changed. He became a stranger to me. From there, everything went downhill. My self-esteem disappeared and I lost hope in any friendship or any relationship. I couldn't allow myself to get close to anyone the same way because I was terrified of getting hurt. I spent weeks, months, trying to figure out why someone would drop me like that. No matter what I did, he wouldn't speak to me. I was pathetic with my attempts. The last thing he said to me before leaving was, "You're my best friend, I love you. Nothing and no one will ever change that."
Those words will forever be stuck in my head.
I spoke to him recently. I had lead myself to believe he ditched me for a girl. He told me he went through a depressive cycle and dropped everyone. I believed him.
I was such a fool. He turned around and did the exact same thing again. We haven't spoken since, nor do I want to. He's inflicted enough damage.
For the past two years, I have been so broken. I tried forgetting everything that had happened but with no success.
I remembered my childhood. It was so happy and full of smiles.
PART THREE: Recovery
Thinking of my childhood has helped me so much. I strived to be that little always-positive girl I use to be. Remembering the good times instead of the bad doesn't always fix things but it sure as hell can improve situations. I am amazed with how much I've changed in just a few short months. I've come to realize that I live my life for me. Not you, not my friends, not my family, not anyone. It is my responsibility to make a life worth living.
The guy I fell in love with is no longer a problem of mine. I gave him a second chance (like a fool) and he is definitely not getting a third.
I can truly say that I am happy now. Despite working most of the time, I try to find time for myself. I work three jobs and yet I still hang out with my friends. I am taking classes online to be eligible to continue my post-secondary education. If I get accepted, I have five years until the "real world".
I'm opening up again. I welcome new friends and I don't shy away from relationships. My friends have noticed a great improvement in my life and they are partially responsible. I love them so much.
I have learned to trust again. I have been with my boyfriend now for almost six months.
Every day, I wake up amazed that I am capable of so much. I can trust, I believe in myself and I always try to stay positive and optimistic about life.
Always find a reason to smile ♥︎
Monday, 4 November 2013
Tattoo
I'm terrified but I want to get a tattoo. My best friend and I want similar tattoos. They will be very meaningful. We've both been through difficult times and want a tattoo to remind us that things have been bad but we've made it past that.
This is the tattoo she wants. Stay Strong means a lot to her because that's what she keeps telling herself when things get rough. It keeps her going. The infinity symbol is to signify we never gave up.
This is the tattoo she wants. Stay Strong means a lot to her because that's what she keeps telling herself when things get rough. It keeps her going. The infinity symbol is to signify we never gave up.
 |
| Stay strong - Infinity - Scribble - Just Breathe |
My tattoo will be the same but it will say Just Breathe. Every time something isn't going right, I tell myself to just breathe and it will be over shortly. Whenever I get angry, I tell myself to just breathe and regain my calm. All my friends tell me the same too; they know when it needs to be said.
The feather, for me, means communication. I use writing as a method to express myself, even if it's just simply in a personal diary. I love writing and it has gotten me through so much in my life. Now, instead of the knife, I pick up a pen and start writing. It may have saved my life.
We want to get it done over the Christmas break when we are both home. For placement, I'm thinking back left shoulder. It won't be completely visible but I will know it's there.
I'm excited but terrified at the same time. I'm probably more terrified of telling my parents.
Just Breathe
I had an amazing weekend! I didn't do much but my best friend came to visit. We both needed it. She recently broke up with her boyfriend and my life has slowly been going down hill. We both needed a friend. Unfortunately, the weekend did have to end eventually.
I've been thinking a lot lately... That's never a good thing.
There's this guy from my hometown that I really like. We dated a few years ago but it wasn't really us. We were forced by our friends. Now, we've had time to actually get to know each other. Turns out, I do really like him, and I think he likes me too.
It can be so complicated sometimes though. We act like a couple when we're together but we never actually talk about it. I've tried explaining this in a nice way, a way that doesn't make him seem like a jerk, but I can't do it. He's actually a really nice and sweet guy.
I've talked to some of our friends and he's apparently afraid of the distance. He doesn't want to start a relationship based on long distance. That's why we broke up in the first place but we are two different people now. We see each other every few weeks so it's not a lost cause.
I've been trying to find the courage to talk to him about all this but I can't. I'm too chicken. The last time I fell for a guy, he ended up breaking my heart and never speaking to me again.
I know he's in university right now and there will be other girls but I just want to believe that I'm different, that I mean something more to him. He definitely means something more to me.
I will always be curious about what we could be if I never take the chance.
One day, (hopefully soon) I will convince myself to talk to him. Just breathe and take a leap of faith.
Why do relationships need to be so complicating?
I've been thinking a lot lately... That's never a good thing.
There's this guy from my hometown that I really like. We dated a few years ago but it wasn't really us. We were forced by our friends. Now, we've had time to actually get to know each other. Turns out, I do really like him, and I think he likes me too.
It can be so complicated sometimes though. We act like a couple when we're together but we never actually talk about it. I've tried explaining this in a nice way, a way that doesn't make him seem like a jerk, but I can't do it. He's actually a really nice and sweet guy.
I've talked to some of our friends and he's apparently afraid of the distance. He doesn't want to start a relationship based on long distance. That's why we broke up in the first place but we are two different people now. We see each other every few weeks so it's not a lost cause.
I've been trying to find the courage to talk to him about all this but I can't. I'm too chicken. The last time I fell for a guy, he ended up breaking my heart and never speaking to me again.
I know he's in university right now and there will be other girls but I just want to believe that I'm different, that I mean something more to him. He definitely means something more to me.
I will always be curious about what we could be if I never take the chance.
One day, (hopefully soon) I will convince myself to talk to him. Just breathe and take a leap of faith.
Why do relationships need to be so complicating?
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