Years Later

I haven't written in a while. I know, I'm sorry. Life has been so overwhelming this summer that I've barely had the time. When I do get some time to myself, I don't feel like writing. Life has been a roller coaster, I won't lie. There are times where I feel like I'm on top of the world. I'm happy. I feel like nothing will change that. And then something does. Other times, I don't understand why I'm alive. I want to say that I'm recovering, that I'm getting better and that I will be happy, but for me, happiness isn't forever. Happiness is a short time between downfalls of this roller coaster.
I have plans for my life. Those plans only extend five years in to the future but that's good.. Right? I want to know that my live will be good, even great but nothing I do will convince me of that. 
I just read my last post on this blog and I seemed happy, not problem-free, but happy. Now, I'm not so sure. Most of my friends have gone back to college or university and I feel so alone. I'm filling my life with work and pointless TV shows. I look at the characters on these shows, they go through so much but they find a way to be happy in the end. I know it's a show, but somehow I relate. My life is nothing like theirs. My problems are nothing like theirs. But I seek happiness. 
This summer was probably the worst summer of my life. It was full of drama and stress, and I'm one of those people who avoid those two things at all cost. The drama is getting better but the stress is still there. There is such a big weight on my shoulders to be good at life. I fear failure. And if I fail life, that's the biggest failure there can be. 

---

I want to blame him for all my problems. He has caused me so much pain and it's taken me years to recover. I'm still recovering. He killed my confidence, my trust and my ability to see the world as a good place. I still haven't talked to him. I still don't want to but I want him to pay for what he's done to me. He doesn't even realize what he's done but I'm too afraid to tell him. I don't want him to know that he still has an affect on me all these years later.