Tattoo

I'm terrified but I want to get a tattoo. My best friend and I want similar tattoos. They will be very meaningful. We've both been through difficult times and want a tattoo to remind us that things have been bad but we've made it past that.
This is the tattoo she wants. Stay Strong means a lot to her because that's what she keeps telling herself when things get rough. It keeps her going. The infinity symbol is to signify we never gave up.

Stay strong - Infinity - Scribble - Just Breathe

My tattoo will be the same but it will say Just Breathe. Every time something isn't going right, I tell myself to just breathe and it will be over shortly. Whenever I get angry, I tell myself to just breathe and regain my calm. All my friends tell me the same too; they know when it needs to be said. 

The feather, for me, means communication. I use writing as a method to express myself, even if it's just simply in a personal diary. I love writing and it has gotten me through so much in my life. Now, instead of the knife, I pick up a pen and start writing. It may have saved my life.

We want to get it done over the Christmas break when we are both home. For placement, I'm thinking back left shoulder. It won't be completely visible but I will know it's there. 

I'm excited but terrified at the same time. I'm probably more terrified of telling my parents. 

Just Breathe

I had an amazing weekend! I didn't do much but my best friend came to visit. We both needed it. She recently broke up with her boyfriend and my life has slowly been going down hill. We both needed a friend. Unfortunately, the weekend did have to end eventually. 
I've been thinking a lot lately... That's never a good thing.
There's this guy from my hometown that I really like. We dated a few years ago but it wasn't really us. We were forced by our friends. Now, we've had time to actually get to know each other. Turns out, I do really like him, and I think he likes me too.
It can be so complicated sometimes though. We act like a couple when we're together but we never actually talk about it. I've tried explaining this in a nice way, a way that doesn't make him seem like a jerk, but I can't do it. He's actually a really nice and sweet guy. 
I've talked to some of our friends and he's apparently afraid of the distance. He doesn't want to start a relationship based on long distance. That's why we broke up in the first place but we are two different people now. We see each other every few weeks so it's not a lost cause. 
I've been trying to find the courage to talk to him about all this but I can't. I'm too chicken. The last time I fell for a guy, he ended up breaking my heart and never speaking to me again.
I know he's in university right now and there will be other girls but I just want to believe that I'm different, that I mean something more to him. He definitely means something more to me. 
I will always be curious about what we could be if I never take the chance.
One day, (hopefully soon) I will convince myself to talk to him. Just breathe and take a leap of faith.
Why do relationships need to be so complicating?

It's been a while.

I think my depression is coming back. I can't tell any of my friends so I will tell you, whoever you may be. 
I stopped writing because I didn't think I needed to anymore. I write to feel better, I can express my emotions without a care in the world or without fear of judgement. Now, I write again because I can't find the right words to tell my friends how I really feel. They'd sent me to the hospital or something anyway. I don't want that. I want to be able to say I got over my illness on my own.
I know I should see it this way, but I see depression as a simple cold. It gives me hope that one day, my cold will be gone and I will be happy once more. Truth is, colds happens all the time, multiple times a year. I hadn't thought of that until now. Depression is my cold. 
Everything seems to be going perfectly until one simple thing happens and brings back all the problems. My problems aren't even major but they affect me so much. I consider myself an emotional wreck all the time now.
Here's an update though: 

• I've lost my best friend. I guess he simply decided one day that he wouldn't talk to me ever again. I try to not let it bother me, but truth is, I miss him every day. He was the first boy I ever really loved and he was my best friend. (M)
• I'm really good friends with someone in my program. She's really nice but is really caught up in her own life. I try going to her for help about anything but my life will always be second to hers. It always makes me feel unimportant. (A)
• I've been friends with this guy for the past few years. We tried dating at first but it was forced because of our friends. We broke up because we knew we weren't making our own decisions. We were still good friends. Over the summer, we became closer and some may even say we were an item. I never knew what we were because I don't like rushing in to things. I liked him and he liked me. That's all we knew. That's all that was needed. Recently, I found out that I'm only a piece of his game. He keeps me around because he knows I will always be there. He doesn't want to label anything because he still wants to have fun at school. That really hurt. I never thought he was the type of guy to do that. (S)
• I now have trust issues. I haven't dated in a year for a reason. My last boyfriend cheated on me and didn't even have the guts to tell me. I had to find out from someone else. We haven't talked since. And as for the guy above, he was my friend first. How can a friend do that to a friend?

The worst part about all this, is that I was a happy child. Everyone knew me as the always-positive one. I liked being known as that and I will work hard every day to achieve that once more. 
This blog is mainly to keep me from cutting again. I think it's been two years since I last cut. That scars are almost gone and they were there as a reminder. Over the past two years, I always wrote when the need to cut became overwhelming. Today, I'm not too sure writing will stop it. Please help.

Good night, and good luck

Another day has come to be and as the days go by, I become more and more confused with life. I am so fascinated by so many things that I don't know what I want to do. It's been a while since the last time I placed pen to paper to write for me. Life has so many options. I love writing; I love music; I love art. Neither I am good enough to make anything of it. I wish I could sing, life would be so much easier. I wish I could put my imagination on paper, or even canvas, everything would be explained.
Deciding what to do seems like such a small decision but it is the most difficult to make. How will I know I've make the right choice? I know I want to write, but I don't want to be a journalist. I want to write children's books or even a romantic thriller. I just can't seem to find the words. Over the next few days, I hope to start my first children's book. Even if it's just a few ideas on a piece of paper, I will feel accomplished. This is only the beginning. Wish me luck!

Published

My entire life, I believed I was never good enough. In high school, I attended a French school in an English community so I always felt like my English wasn't as good. I have always known that I've wanted to write because of my imagination. No matter what language, my imagination would never end. It could take me places I have never been before or even scare me in ways I didn't think possible. 
College has taught me that I shouldn't be too harsh on myself. For some reason, people see me differently here. We published our first edition of the school newspaper today and not only did I get my story published, but I was also assigned as the associate editor. Today, my news story as well as my editorial got published for everyone to see and I am still speechless and amazed. My picture for my news story also made front page! I can't believe it. Today has really helped me with my confidence and self-esteem. :) 

Transition

High school was hell for me, which I'm sure, it was hell for many more. I put up with everyone's bull shit in high school because, I thought, it's only four years of my life, what could go wrong. I was the punching bag in high school – Not physically but verbally. I thought it would all change. Turns out, everything is the same here. I think I've cried myself to sleep more often this past year at college than the four years in high school.
The weird thing about this new life is that I'm having more fun. I either have really good days or really bad days. In high school, they were all just neutral or bad.
At this point, people would probably say stand up for yourself. I do stand up for myself, but within reason. I don't like making a big deal of things because, honestly, they shouldn't bug me as much as they do. And if I reacted to anything, I would be known as the bitch. I like staying quiet.

The Path Less Travelled

I am no longer able to fool myself. For a while, I was happy. I had faked being happy for so long that I had even fooled myself. I'm smarter than that. My depression is seeping through my mask and it's the worst feeling ever. I've lost control of my emotions and I can no longer hide them. I do my best to hide it from the people around me. I don't want to change the atmosphere and bring them down too. I always feel like there's a little part inside me screaming "Stop it! Stop being happy! You don't deserve it. You're just lying to yourself." 
I've also been thinking of cutting again.. I know I won't do it but I miss the pain. The pain let me know that I was still alive. Now I'm just numb. I just want to experience that feeling again of a blade cutting through my skin and watching the blood. I miss it but I know it's not good for me. I don't feel like I should be cutting because I'm unhappy but because it feels like a habit. I cheated the other day. I have created new scars on my arm and I feel like I've ruined everything. I had gone a year without cutting but sometimes, you reach your breaking point and you can't help it anymore. It's taking all my strength to not start cutting again like it's a hobby but I'm getting through.
I'll be okay, I know it. It's just taking a little longer than I had hoped to get there. 

Sixty-three.

Sixty-three. 

The number of scars I can count on my body. Most of those are self-inflicted, others have funny stories and some don't have any story at all. I keep to my word, which is the only reason why I haven't started cutting again. I made a promise to my best friend a year ago that I would stop hurting myself. Sometimes I wish I had never made that promise. Sometimes I regret my promise but I will try to stay strong. People may think I'm psychotic but the pain feels good. It's my way of knowing that I'm still alive.

Like I said in my last post.. Old habits die hard.

Old Habits Die Hard

People still call me a kid but they don't know me at all. I still have some of my childish habits because they remind me of the good times. Yes, I still sleep with a stuffed toy. Yes, I still sleep with my blankie near me. I'm 18 years old and I'm not ashamed of it. I can't get rid of my childhood habits that easily. I like myself for the way I am. Habits and all. When I was a kid, everything was perfect. I can't remember a time that I wasn't smiling. All my friends' parents knew me as the positive one, the one always smiling and the one who could always light up a room. I miss that. 

I don't want to go back to the way it was because I was such a stupid kid. I didn't know who my real friends were and I didn't know much about who I was. Now, I know who my friends are because they are always there for me when I need them. I was worried about leaving my hometown to go off to college because I wasn't any good at making friends. I have made some of the best friends anyone could ever ask for here. It's nice to have one good thing in life.

Comprehension

I have so much I want to write about but I don't know where to begin. So many things have been running through my mind and I can't make any sense of it. I don't understand who I am because I change everyday trying to please society and I'm having a hard time figuring out who my true friends are. 

My depression is getting worse. I only had to deal with it when I had had one too many drinks but now, it hits me like a speeding car. No warning or anything. I've been trying to understand it and I think I do a little bit. What "they" say is true, words do hurt. People always joke around about me not being wanted. I get it, I'm that one in the group. They really do mean it as a joke but it's mainly because of the way I act. I need attention even though I swear I hate it. My entire life, I've become the annoying one because, good or bad, I had attention. Now, it's just a habit. I don't want to get attention that way so I've tried to think before I act, and try not to force so much attention on myself. Truth is, I don't want attention, I just want to feel wanted. Make sense? 

I feel like weakness is taking over my body (another reason I think there is something wrong with me). I used to be a strong person. Everyone would tell me they looked up to me for that. Nothing would get me down. I would always stand with my head up high with confidence but that seems to have disappeared. I miss being that strong. I still have some strength but I don't feel it as much as I used to. I have enough to hold myself together when others around or until someone asks me if I'm okay. As soon as I'm alone, all the feelings from before, all the thoughts that I pushed away come rushing back and hit me all at once. I become uncontrollable and I can't help it. I can't stop my thoughts and I just cry. I've convinced myself that the crying is helping though. I need to get everything out and that is the best way to do it. 

Another thing I don't understand is how my best friend is my best friend. We met three years ago and at that point, I was a closed book. I wouldn't let anyone in but somehow, he managed to. I've put him through so much these past three years and I don't know how he deals with me. I'm so thankful he's in my life though. He is the only one who can manage to make me smile when I'm crying. I'm smiling now just thinking about him.

Change

You've been ignored. I'm sorry. So much has been happening lately with the holidays and everything that I haven't had a chance to write much. Some days, I didn't even feel like writing because I knew it would just make me feel worse. Today, I really need to talk to someone though.
My best friend just told me he might be moving. I feel like crying right now but I know that won't help, and if anyone sees me, I don't want to explain. He's been my best friend for three years now and I love him to death. We've been dealing with the distance since the beginning but this is really affecting me and I don't know why. At least he'll still be in the same time zone which will make it easier to talk. He's doubling the distance between us. I get it and all, it's for his career but I don't want him to leave.
I want to be with him, I need my best friend close.I'm trying to convince him to move here. So far, it's not working very well..