I am no longer able to fool myself. For a while, I was happy. I had faked being happy for so long that I had even fooled myself. I'm smarter than that. My depression is seeping through my mask and it's the worst feeling ever. I've lost control of my emotions and I can no longer hide them. I do my best to hide it from the people around me. I don't want to change the atmosphere and bring them down too. I always feel like there's a little part inside me screaming "Stop it! Stop being happy! You don't deserve it. You're just lying to yourself."
I've also been thinking of cutting again.. I know I won't do it but I miss the pain. The pain let me know that I was still alive. Now I'm just numb. I just want to experience that feeling again of a blade cutting through my skin and watching the blood. I miss it but I know it's not good for me. I don't feel like I should be cutting because I'm unhappy but because it feels like a habit. I cheated the other day. I have created new scars on my arm and I feel like I've ruined everything. I had gone a year without cutting but sometimes, you reach your breaking point and you can't help it anymore. It's taking all my strength to not start cutting again like it's a hobby but I'm getting through.
I'll be okay, I know it. It's just taking a little longer than I had hoped to get there.
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