The Path Less Travelled

I am no longer able to fool myself. For a while, I was happy. I had faked being happy for so long that I had even fooled myself. I'm smarter than that. My depression is seeping through my mask and it's the worst feeling ever. I've lost control of my emotions and I can no longer hide them. I do my best to hide it from the people around me. I don't want to change the atmosphere and bring them down too. I always feel like there's a little part inside me screaming "Stop it! Stop being happy! You don't deserve it. You're just lying to yourself." 
I've also been thinking of cutting again.. I know I won't do it but I miss the pain. The pain let me know that I was still alive. Now I'm just numb. I just want to experience that feeling again of a blade cutting through my skin and watching the blood. I miss it but I know it's not good for me. I don't feel like I should be cutting because I'm unhappy but because it feels like a habit. I cheated the other day. I have created new scars on my arm and I feel like I've ruined everything. I had gone a year without cutting but sometimes, you reach your breaking point and you can't help it anymore. It's taking all my strength to not start cutting again like it's a hobby but I'm getting through.
I'll be okay, I know it. It's just taking a little longer than I had hoped to get there. 

Sixty-three.

Sixty-three. 

The number of scars I can count on my body. Most of those are self-inflicted, others have funny stories and some don't have any story at all. I keep to my word, which is the only reason why I haven't started cutting again. I made a promise to my best friend a year ago that I would stop hurting myself. Sometimes I wish I had never made that promise. Sometimes I regret my promise but I will try to stay strong. People may think I'm psychotic but the pain feels good. It's my way of knowing that I'm still alive.

Like I said in my last post.. Old habits die hard.

Old Habits Die Hard

People still call me a kid but they don't know me at all. I still have some of my childish habits because they remind me of the good times. Yes, I still sleep with a stuffed toy. Yes, I still sleep with my blankie near me. I'm 18 years old and I'm not ashamed of it. I can't get rid of my childhood habits that easily. I like myself for the way I am. Habits and all. When I was a kid, everything was perfect. I can't remember a time that I wasn't smiling. All my friends' parents knew me as the positive one, the one always smiling and the one who could always light up a room. I miss that. 

I don't want to go back to the way it was because I was such a stupid kid. I didn't know who my real friends were and I didn't know much about who I was. Now, I know who my friends are because they are always there for me when I need them. I was worried about leaving my hometown to go off to college because I wasn't any good at making friends. I have made some of the best friends anyone could ever ask for here. It's nice to have one good thing in life.