Comprehension

I have so much I want to write about but I don't know where to begin. So many things have been running through my mind and I can't make any sense of it. I don't understand who I am because I change everyday trying to please society and I'm having a hard time figuring out who my true friends are. 

My depression is getting worse. I only had to deal with it when I had had one too many drinks but now, it hits me like a speeding car. No warning or anything. I've been trying to understand it and I think I do a little bit. What "they" say is true, words do hurt. People always joke around about me not being wanted. I get it, I'm that one in the group. They really do mean it as a joke but it's mainly because of the way I act. I need attention even though I swear I hate it. My entire life, I've become the annoying one because, good or bad, I had attention. Now, it's just a habit. I don't want to get attention that way so I've tried to think before I act, and try not to force so much attention on myself. Truth is, I don't want attention, I just want to feel wanted. Make sense? 

I feel like weakness is taking over my body (another reason I think there is something wrong with me). I used to be a strong person. Everyone would tell me they looked up to me for that. Nothing would get me down. I would always stand with my head up high with confidence but that seems to have disappeared. I miss being that strong. I still have some strength but I don't feel it as much as I used to. I have enough to hold myself together when others around or until someone asks me if I'm okay. As soon as I'm alone, all the feelings from before, all the thoughts that I pushed away come rushing back and hit me all at once. I become uncontrollable and I can't help it. I can't stop my thoughts and I just cry. I've convinced myself that the crying is helping though. I need to get everything out and that is the best way to do it. 

Another thing I don't understand is how my best friend is my best friend. We met three years ago and at that point, I was a closed book. I wouldn't let anyone in but somehow, he managed to. I've put him through so much these past three years and I don't know how he deals with me. I'm so thankful he's in my life though. He is the only one who can manage to make me smile when I'm crying. I'm smiling now just thinking about him.

Change

You've been ignored. I'm sorry. So much has been happening lately with the holidays and everything that I haven't had a chance to write much. Some days, I didn't even feel like writing because I knew it would just make me feel worse. Today, I really need to talk to someone though.
My best friend just told me he might be moving. I feel like crying right now but I know that won't help, and if anyone sees me, I don't want to explain. He's been my best friend for three years now and I love him to death. We've been dealing with the distance since the beginning but this is really affecting me and I don't know why. At least he'll still be in the same time zone which will make it easier to talk. He's doubling the distance between us. I get it and all, it's for his career but I don't want him to leave.
I want to be with him, I need my best friend close.I'm trying to convince him to move here. So far, it's not working very well..

Time

Everything seems to be going so quickly. It's beginning to be unbearable. I miss being a kid, I'm not ready to grow up. But that's life right?
Time goes so fast sometimes. My three-week break is flying by and I want it to slow down! I've been so busy with anything and everything that I haven't even been able to write. I'm trying to keep myself busy but it's become too much. I don't even understand myself.. I've had so much fun this past week but I wish I had spent more time alone. How does that make sense? I have no time to be bored. It's nice being home and for some reason, I just want to isolate myself from society but I can do that in college.. This break is to see my friends and I don't want to. I'm confusing myself with my thoughts. I just wish time would pass slowly so I would have time to be with friends and be alone. 
I feel the need to update about everything this past week so on another note, I'm never telling my friends anything about a guy that I like because they will use anything against me. On top of that, I'm scared to even like a guy because I don't want to fall for him and get hurt. I don't want to go through that pain again.
Change of subjects once more. I've been hanging out with my sister a lot lately and it's been so nice! I even spent the evening at her home playing Balderdash with her family. I'm glad to be a part of that. My sister and I do everything together. We've watched an unhealthy amount of movies recently and are also planning on decorating a gingerbread "train" tomorrow! 
To sum up my busyness, I need time to breathe!

Society

What has this world become? People are scared to be who they really are because of all the judgements they will get. If there's one thing that this world has taught me is that society is cruel and it takes a great deal of strength to survive.
We're forced to act older than we actually are because we want to fit in but no one is actually themselves around others. The other day, I made out with a complete stranger at a concert. That's something I don't do or never thought I would do. It's not my style.. I'd rather have a boyfriend or none at all than random hook-ups. But after that night, my friends were saying I had finally grown up. No. I find that what I did at that concert was childish. Hook-ups, in my mind, are a sign of commitment issues. I think people need to grow-up and get over them, not the other way around..
Another problem with society, we are becoming more accepting but bullying and putting down isn't getting any better. What will my children be forced to grow up with? How bad will their childhood be? I'm scared I won't be able to teach them how to be strong enough to survive what society has to throw at them.

Today was a good day.

Every so often, I have a good day. Today was one of those days. Despite only having two hours of sleep, I woke up this morning refreshed and it continued to be good. I had one class and two exams today which all went very well. The exams were both open book and they were the easiest things to do. I have survived my first college exam!
All day, I've been listening to music and it always makes me in a better mood. I've been singing and dancing around my room. It's just one of those awesome days! After my final exam of the day, I took time to just relax and breathe. For dinner, we had a Christmas dinner with all my friends in residence. It was delicious. I miss home cooked meals.
In just a few days, I get to go home for the first time in a few months. I miss my bed, my family and my friends. I already have so much planned to look forward to! I can't wait :)

Exam Week Failure

I think technology is trying to tell me something. I rarely study because I find it doesn't do much good for me. I have two exams tomorrow and I thought that for once, I would make an effort and study. I tried printing off the lecture notes and my printer found a way to freeze half way through. I lost the wireless connection between my printer and my computer. The Internet also disconnected. I was actually ready to study. The universe is telling me to stop studying and go back to doing nothing. 

When I try in life, everything else fails.

For now, I will probably go back to watching Criminal Minds on my laptop and give studying another shot later. I even made coffee; I was all prepared.

College Life

There are many things I didn't expect to see in college but living in residence has it's benefits and hilarious moments you'll probably never see again. I've read some funny stories about what people have witnessed in college and I've never believed it. At this school, it has been unbelievable. Yes, I've had my bad days, those aren't even rare but some of those days are quickly turned around.
Today, I saw a guy running through the residence hallways wearing a cow costume. Utters and all. My life is boring so it's easy to say that the cow was the most exciting part of my day. I've also seen a guy walking around in a banana costume with a guy in a lime costume by his side. My roommate and I have roamed these hallways in monster onesies before. There's nothing that could happen here that could shock many people. 
In the college, we've even had a flash mob. I took part in that. I had never been so nervous, and I normally don't dance, especially not with an audience. I'm glad I did it though. It was probably a once in a life time thing and it's an experience I'm glad I didn't miss.
And in college, there's always that one weirdo who wears a unicorn shirt every so often. That weirdo happens to be me. :)