It's been a while.

I think my depression is coming back. I can't tell any of my friends so I will tell you, whoever you may be. 
I stopped writing because I didn't think I needed to anymore. I write to feel better, I can express my emotions without a care in the world or without fear of judgement. Now, I write again because I can't find the right words to tell my friends how I really feel. They'd sent me to the hospital or something anyway. I don't want that. I want to be able to say I got over my illness on my own.
I know I should see it this way, but I see depression as a simple cold. It gives me hope that one day, my cold will be gone and I will be happy once more. Truth is, colds happens all the time, multiple times a year. I hadn't thought of that until now. Depression is my cold. 
Everything seems to be going perfectly until one simple thing happens and brings back all the problems. My problems aren't even major but they affect me so much. I consider myself an emotional wreck all the time now.
Here's an update though: 

• I've lost my best friend. I guess he simply decided one day that he wouldn't talk to me ever again. I try to not let it bother me, but truth is, I miss him every day. He was the first boy I ever really loved and he was my best friend. (M)
• I'm really good friends with someone in my program. She's really nice but is really caught up in her own life. I try going to her for help about anything but my life will always be second to hers. It always makes me feel unimportant. (A)
• I've been friends with this guy for the past few years. We tried dating at first but it was forced because of our friends. We broke up because we knew we weren't making our own decisions. We were still good friends. Over the summer, we became closer and some may even say we were an item. I never knew what we were because I don't like rushing in to things. I liked him and he liked me. That's all we knew. That's all that was needed. Recently, I found out that I'm only a piece of his game. He keeps me around because he knows I will always be there. He doesn't want to label anything because he still wants to have fun at school. That really hurt. I never thought he was the type of guy to do that. (S)
• I now have trust issues. I haven't dated in a year for a reason. My last boyfriend cheated on me and didn't even have the guts to tell me. I had to find out from someone else. We haven't talked since. And as for the guy above, he was my friend first. How can a friend do that to a friend?

The worst part about all this, is that I was a happy child. Everyone knew me as the always-positive one. I liked being known as that and I will work hard every day to achieve that once more. 
This blog is mainly to keep me from cutting again. I think it's been two years since I last cut. That scars are almost gone and they were there as a reminder. Over the past two years, I always wrote when the need to cut became overwhelming. Today, I'm not too sure writing will stop it. Please help.

Good night, and good luck

Another day has come to be and as the days go by, I become more and more confused with life. I am so fascinated by so many things that I don't know what I want to do. It's been a while since the last time I placed pen to paper to write for me. Life has so many options. I love writing; I love music; I love art. Neither I am good enough to make anything of it. I wish I could sing, life would be so much easier. I wish I could put my imagination on paper, or even canvas, everything would be explained.
Deciding what to do seems like such a small decision but it is the most difficult to make. How will I know I've make the right choice? I know I want to write, but I don't want to be a journalist. I want to write children's books or even a romantic thriller. I just can't seem to find the words. Over the next few days, I hope to start my first children's book. Even if it's just a few ideas on a piece of paper, I will feel accomplished. This is only the beginning. Wish me luck!

Published

My entire life, I believed I was never good enough. In high school, I attended a French school in an English community so I always felt like my English wasn't as good. I have always known that I've wanted to write because of my imagination. No matter what language, my imagination would never end. It could take me places I have never been before or even scare me in ways I didn't think possible. 
College has taught me that I shouldn't be too harsh on myself. For some reason, people see me differently here. We published our first edition of the school newspaper today and not only did I get my story published, but I was also assigned as the associate editor. Today, my news story as well as my editorial got published for everyone to see and I am still speechless and amazed. My picture for my news story also made front page! I can't believe it. Today has really helped me with my confidence and self-esteem. :) 

Transition

High school was hell for me, which I'm sure, it was hell for many more. I put up with everyone's bull shit in high school because, I thought, it's only four years of my life, what could go wrong. I was the punching bag in high school – Not physically but verbally. I thought it would all change. Turns out, everything is the same here. I think I've cried myself to sleep more often this past year at college than the four years in high school.
The weird thing about this new life is that I'm having more fun. I either have really good days or really bad days. In high school, they were all just neutral or bad.
At this point, people would probably say stand up for yourself. I do stand up for myself, but within reason. I don't like making a big deal of things because, honestly, they shouldn't bug me as much as they do. And if I reacted to anything, I would be known as the bitch. I like staying quiet.

The Path Less Travelled

I am no longer able to fool myself. For a while, I was happy. I had faked being happy for so long that I had even fooled myself. I'm smarter than that. My depression is seeping through my mask and it's the worst feeling ever. I've lost control of my emotions and I can no longer hide them. I do my best to hide it from the people around me. I don't want to change the atmosphere and bring them down too. I always feel like there's a little part inside me screaming "Stop it! Stop being happy! You don't deserve it. You're just lying to yourself." 
I've also been thinking of cutting again.. I know I won't do it but I miss the pain. The pain let me know that I was still alive. Now I'm just numb. I just want to experience that feeling again of a blade cutting through my skin and watching the blood. I miss it but I know it's not good for me. I don't feel like I should be cutting because I'm unhappy but because it feels like a habit. I cheated the other day. I have created new scars on my arm and I feel like I've ruined everything. I had gone a year without cutting but sometimes, you reach your breaking point and you can't help it anymore. It's taking all my strength to not start cutting again like it's a hobby but I'm getting through.
I'll be okay, I know it. It's just taking a little longer than I had hoped to get there. 

Sixty-three.

Sixty-three. 

The number of scars I can count on my body. Most of those are self-inflicted, others have funny stories and some don't have any story at all. I keep to my word, which is the only reason why I haven't started cutting again. I made a promise to my best friend a year ago that I would stop hurting myself. Sometimes I wish I had never made that promise. Sometimes I regret my promise but I will try to stay strong. People may think I'm psychotic but the pain feels good. It's my way of knowing that I'm still alive.

Like I said in my last post.. Old habits die hard.

Old Habits Die Hard

People still call me a kid but they don't know me at all. I still have some of my childish habits because they remind me of the good times. Yes, I still sleep with a stuffed toy. Yes, I still sleep with my blankie near me. I'm 18 years old and I'm not ashamed of it. I can't get rid of my childhood habits that easily. I like myself for the way I am. Habits and all. When I was a kid, everything was perfect. I can't remember a time that I wasn't smiling. All my friends' parents knew me as the positive one, the one always smiling and the one who could always light up a room. I miss that. 

I don't want to go back to the way it was because I was such a stupid kid. I didn't know who my real friends were and I didn't know much about who I was. Now, I know who my friends are because they are always there for me when I need them. I was worried about leaving my hometown to go off to college because I wasn't any good at making friends. I have made some of the best friends anyone could ever ask for here. It's nice to have one good thing in life.