The Path Less Travelled

I am no longer able to fool myself. For a while, I was happy. I had faked being happy for so long that I had even fooled myself. I'm smarter than that. My depression is seeping through my mask and it's the worst feeling ever. I've lost control of my emotions and I can no longer hide them. I do my best to hide it from the people around me. I don't want to change the atmosphere and bring them down too. I always feel like there's a little part inside me screaming "Stop it! Stop being happy! You don't deserve it. You're just lying to yourself." 
I've also been thinking of cutting again.. I know I won't do it but I miss the pain. The pain let me know that I was still alive. Now I'm just numb. I just want to experience that feeling again of a blade cutting through my skin and watching the blood. I miss it but I know it's not good for me. I don't feel like I should be cutting because I'm unhappy but because it feels like a habit. I cheated the other day. I have created new scars on my arm and I feel like I've ruined everything. I had gone a year without cutting but sometimes, you reach your breaking point and you can't help it anymore. It's taking all my strength to not start cutting again like it's a hobby but I'm getting through.
I'll be okay, I know it. It's just taking a little longer than I had hoped to get there. 

Sixty-three.

Sixty-three. 

The number of scars I can count on my body. Most of those are self-inflicted, others have funny stories and some don't have any story at all. I keep to my word, which is the only reason why I haven't started cutting again. I made a promise to my best friend a year ago that I would stop hurting myself. Sometimes I wish I had never made that promise. Sometimes I regret my promise but I will try to stay strong. People may think I'm psychotic but the pain feels good. It's my way of knowing that I'm still alive.

Like I said in my last post.. Old habits die hard.

Old Habits Die Hard

People still call me a kid but they don't know me at all. I still have some of my childish habits because they remind me of the good times. Yes, I still sleep with a stuffed toy. Yes, I still sleep with my blankie near me. I'm 18 years old and I'm not ashamed of it. I can't get rid of my childhood habits that easily. I like myself for the way I am. Habits and all. When I was a kid, everything was perfect. I can't remember a time that I wasn't smiling. All my friends' parents knew me as the positive one, the one always smiling and the one who could always light up a room. I miss that. 

I don't want to go back to the way it was because I was such a stupid kid. I didn't know who my real friends were and I didn't know much about who I was. Now, I know who my friends are because they are always there for me when I need them. I was worried about leaving my hometown to go off to college because I wasn't any good at making friends. I have made some of the best friends anyone could ever ask for here. It's nice to have one good thing in life.

Comprehension

I have so much I want to write about but I don't know where to begin. So many things have been running through my mind and I can't make any sense of it. I don't understand who I am because I change everyday trying to please society and I'm having a hard time figuring out who my true friends are. 

My depression is getting worse. I only had to deal with it when I had had one too many drinks but now, it hits me like a speeding car. No warning or anything. I've been trying to understand it and I think I do a little bit. What "they" say is true, words do hurt. People always joke around about me not being wanted. I get it, I'm that one in the group. They really do mean it as a joke but it's mainly because of the way I act. I need attention even though I swear I hate it. My entire life, I've become the annoying one because, good or bad, I had attention. Now, it's just a habit. I don't want to get attention that way so I've tried to think before I act, and try not to force so much attention on myself. Truth is, I don't want attention, I just want to feel wanted. Make sense? 

I feel like weakness is taking over my body (another reason I think there is something wrong with me). I used to be a strong person. Everyone would tell me they looked up to me for that. Nothing would get me down. I would always stand with my head up high with confidence but that seems to have disappeared. I miss being that strong. I still have some strength but I don't feel it as much as I used to. I have enough to hold myself together when others around or until someone asks me if I'm okay. As soon as I'm alone, all the feelings from before, all the thoughts that I pushed away come rushing back and hit me all at once. I become uncontrollable and I can't help it. I can't stop my thoughts and I just cry. I've convinced myself that the crying is helping though. I need to get everything out and that is the best way to do it. 

Another thing I don't understand is how my best friend is my best friend. We met three years ago and at that point, I was a closed book. I wouldn't let anyone in but somehow, he managed to. I've put him through so much these past three years and I don't know how he deals with me. I'm so thankful he's in my life though. He is the only one who can manage to make me smile when I'm crying. I'm smiling now just thinking about him.

Change

You've been ignored. I'm sorry. So much has been happening lately with the holidays and everything that I haven't had a chance to write much. Some days, I didn't even feel like writing because I knew it would just make me feel worse. Today, I really need to talk to someone though.
My best friend just told me he might be moving. I feel like crying right now but I know that won't help, and if anyone sees me, I don't want to explain. He's been my best friend for three years now and I love him to death. We've been dealing with the distance since the beginning but this is really affecting me and I don't know why. At least he'll still be in the same time zone which will make it easier to talk. He's doubling the distance between us. I get it and all, it's for his career but I don't want him to leave.
I want to be with him, I need my best friend close.I'm trying to convince him to move here. So far, it's not working very well..

Time

Everything seems to be going so quickly. It's beginning to be unbearable. I miss being a kid, I'm not ready to grow up. But that's life right?
Time goes so fast sometimes. My three-week break is flying by and I want it to slow down! I've been so busy with anything and everything that I haven't even been able to write. I'm trying to keep myself busy but it's become too much. I don't even understand myself.. I've had so much fun this past week but I wish I had spent more time alone. How does that make sense? I have no time to be bored. It's nice being home and for some reason, I just want to isolate myself from society but I can do that in college.. This break is to see my friends and I don't want to. I'm confusing myself with my thoughts. I just wish time would pass slowly so I would have time to be with friends and be alone. 
I feel the need to update about everything this past week so on another note, I'm never telling my friends anything about a guy that I like because they will use anything against me. On top of that, I'm scared to even like a guy because I don't want to fall for him and get hurt. I don't want to go through that pain again.
Change of subjects once more. I've been hanging out with my sister a lot lately and it's been so nice! I even spent the evening at her home playing Balderdash with her family. I'm glad to be a part of that. My sister and I do everything together. We've watched an unhealthy amount of movies recently and are also planning on decorating a gingerbread "train" tomorrow! 
To sum up my busyness, I need time to breathe!

Society

What has this world become? People are scared to be who they really are because of all the judgements they will get. If there's one thing that this world has taught me is that society is cruel and it takes a great deal of strength to survive.
We're forced to act older than we actually are because we want to fit in but no one is actually themselves around others. The other day, I made out with a complete stranger at a concert. That's something I don't do or never thought I would do. It's not my style.. I'd rather have a boyfriend or none at all than random hook-ups. But after that night, my friends were saying I had finally grown up. No. I find that what I did at that concert was childish. Hook-ups, in my mind, are a sign of commitment issues. I think people need to grow-up and get over them, not the other way around..
Another problem with society, we are becoming more accepting but bullying and putting down isn't getting any better. What will my children be forced to grow up with? How bad will their childhood be? I'm scared I won't be able to teach them how to be strong enough to survive what society has to throw at them.