My biggest struggle is also my biggest accomplishment

I don't know where to begin with this post.. 
I've started waking up in the morning and actually smiling when I look in the mirror. I like what I'm seeing. I know I'm not the skinniest girl, or the prettiest girl, but I'm happy. Not every morning is like this but those bad days are becoming more rare. There is so much coming up in my life and I'm so unbelievably excited to start that new chapter. My book is still unwritten but I'm at the point where I can't stop turning the pages. It's so hard not skipping forward. 
I can't believe I've finally reached a point in my life where I'm excited to be alive. I thought I'd never have that.

Heads Carolina, Tails California

I'm taking a break from life to write this little post or I will probably go insane. My life has been changing tremendously lately and I'm still trying to get use to it. I've been so caught up with getting my future on the right track that I haven't had any time to myself. There are so many things I want to do but I feel guilty if I do them. I feel like I need to dedicate every second of my time to moving forward.
I want to read. I want to write. I want to draw. I want to do all these things that use to make me so happy. Now, it's just living day by day, hoping the next one will be better than the last. Despite all the change, I'm still here. I'm working on that. In a few months, once everything is figured out, I might be moving. With any luck, I will be able to start fresh. New life, new people, new surroundings. It's what I need. There are so many times that I just want to pack my stuff, hop in my car and drive. No specific destination, just somewhere else.
I need to live my life. When I was younger, I thought I'd be so much further along by now. I had so many ideas and expectations, but now, my only goal is to be happy. 
Forget the past, live for the future.

Halloween

Halloween. It's known as a holiday in so many countries. I don't think anyone will ever understand how much Halloween actually means to me. It's the one day a year that people can be who they want to be without judgement. They can choose to be someone completely different — a hero, a villain, a character, a monster, anything! I've been many things over the years like a witch, a vampire, Cousin It, a pumpkin, even an abused child. The last one got many stares throughout the day, a few freak-outs too. I've been a witch multiple times. I think it's because I've always wanted to banish the problems away and witches didn't give a damn about what others thought. I wish I had their strength. Their powers wouldn't be so bad either.
The main reason why Halloween means so much to me is because it is this time of year, three years ago, that I realized that I will never be what society expects me to be. I can't let society influence the way I live my life. Three years ago, I stopped cutting. I stopped self-harming. I stopped because it's my life, not theirs. I thought I wasn't good enough to survive in this world but Halloween has taught me that everyone lives in the fear of society. Those who are strong enough can survive and will be happy. I hope to be one of those people some day.
It's still two months away but I am beyond excited. It's nice to have something to look forward to. This year, I'm going as Mickey Mouse. I wanted to be something positive. It's going to be a Halloween to remember. 

---Halloween means strength---

Years Later

I haven't written in a while. I know, I'm sorry. Life has been so overwhelming this summer that I've barely had the time. When I do get some time to myself, I don't feel like writing. Life has been a roller coaster, I won't lie. There are times where I feel like I'm on top of the world. I'm happy. I feel like nothing will change that. And then something does. Other times, I don't understand why I'm alive. I want to say that I'm recovering, that I'm getting better and that I will be happy, but for me, happiness isn't forever. Happiness is a short time between downfalls of this roller coaster.
I have plans for my life. Those plans only extend five years in to the future but that's good.. Right? I want to know that my live will be good, even great but nothing I do will convince me of that. 
I just read my last post on this blog and I seemed happy, not problem-free, but happy. Now, I'm not so sure. Most of my friends have gone back to college or university and I feel so alone. I'm filling my life with work and pointless TV shows. I look at the characters on these shows, they go through so much but they find a way to be happy in the end. I know it's a show, but somehow I relate. My life is nothing like theirs. My problems are nothing like theirs. But I seek happiness. 
This summer was probably the worst summer of my life. It was full of drama and stress, and I'm one of those people who avoid those two things at all cost. The drama is getting better but the stress is still there. There is such a big weight on my shoulders to be good at life. I fear failure. And if I fail life, that's the biggest failure there can be. 

---

I want to blame him for all my problems. He has caused me so much pain and it's taken me years to recover. I'm still recovering. He killed my confidence, my trust and my ability to see the world as a good place. I still haven't talked to him. I still don't want to but I want him to pay for what he's done to me. He doesn't even realize what he's done but I'm too afraid to tell him. I don't want him to know that he still has an affect on me all these years later.

The Story of Survival

My friends and their parents have always told me that I was the positive one. And as a kid, I always was. I didn't know the danger that the world could bring; the pain, the torture; the insanity.
Before anyone continues reading this, it isn't a sad story or a complaint about life. It is a story of success, or overcoming what life has thrown my way.
I started this blog because I thought writing about my life would help me get through whatever it was that was happening in that moment. Honestly, writing always helps me but sometimes, it just triggers a memory I try so hard to forget, which is why I haven't posted in a while. I needed time. Time to think, and figure out who I am and where my life is heading. 
I am now a college graduate who is working three jobs to make enough money to continue my education. My life has changed so much over the past few weeks that I sometimes think it's too much. I know now that I can handle it. I don't ignore my problems anymore.
---Here's my story---
PART ONE: Early Life
I grew up in a world that I knew nothing about. I was shielded from the world and I am thankful for that although it has created some complications. I've learned that the way I was brought up isn't necessarily the best way, but I will learn from it. My parents are very judgemental and I have taken the same state of mind. My parents taught me that there are people above us, and people below us. I know that is true but I also have realized that we are all people, we all deserve the same. I'm still trying to get out of that mind set of the pyramid of society. I am still learning.
I was very fortunate as a child. I always had a roof over my head and food on my plate at dinner. I never thought anything of it. Now I know there are people out there who struggle to survive, to feed their family, and there are some who don't know where they are going to sleep tonight. I hope that once I figure out my life and settle down, I can help the less fortunate. I want them to be able to have a roof over their heads and food on their plates. When I went to Costa Rica with Habitat for Humanity, it was a life-changing opportunity. I loved seeing the smiles on the children's faces when they saw their new home. 
PART TWO: 
When I was 15, I met someone who became very important to me. Despite the distance, we kept in touch. He was my best friends and the first person I fell in love with. He made me believe I was special and important. He believed in my like no one had before. He knew everything about me like I knew everything about him. When I needed someone to talk to, he was always there. Until one day, he wasn't. 
All of a sudden, he had changed. He became a stranger to me. From there, everything went downhill. My self-esteem disappeared and I lost hope in any friendship or any relationship. I couldn't allow myself to get close to anyone the same way because I was terrified of getting hurt. I spent weeks, months, trying to figure out why someone would drop me like that. No matter what I did, he wouldn't speak to me. I was pathetic with my attempts. The last thing he said to me before leaving was, "You're my best friend, I love you. Nothing and no one will ever change that." 
Those words will forever be stuck in my head. 
I spoke to him recently. I had lead myself to believe he ditched me for a girl. He told me he went through a depressive cycle and dropped everyone. I believed him.
I was such a fool. He turned around and did the exact same thing again. We haven't spoken since, nor do I want to. He's inflicted enough damage. 
For the past two years, I have been so broken. I tried forgetting everything that had happened but with no success. 
I remembered my childhood. It was so happy and full of smiles. 
PART THREE: Recovery
Thinking of my childhood has helped me so much. I strived to be that little always-positive girl I use to be.  Remembering the good times instead of the bad doesn't always fix things but it sure as hell can improve situations. I am amazed with how much I've changed in just a few short months. I've come to realize that I live my life for me. Not you, not my friends, not my family, not anyone. It is my responsibility to make a life worth living. 
The guy I fell in love with is no longer a problem of mine. I gave him a second chance (like a fool) and he is definitely not getting a third. 
I can truly say that I am happy now. Despite working most of the time, I try to find time for myself. I work three jobs and yet I still hang out with my friends. I am taking classes online to be eligible to continue my post-secondary education. If I get accepted, I have five years until the "real world". 
I'm opening up again. I welcome new friends and I don't shy away from relationships. My friends have noticed a great improvement in my life and they are partially responsible. I love them so much. 
I have learned to trust again. I have been with my boyfriend now for almost six months. 
Every day, I wake up amazed that I am capable of so much. I can trust, I believe in myself and I always try to stay positive and optimistic about life. 
Always find a reason to smile ♥︎

Tattoo

I'm terrified but I want to get a tattoo. My best friend and I want similar tattoos. They will be very meaningful. We've both been through difficult times and want a tattoo to remind us that things have been bad but we've made it past that.
This is the tattoo she wants. Stay Strong means a lot to her because that's what she keeps telling herself when things get rough. It keeps her going. The infinity symbol is to signify we never gave up.

Stay strong - Infinity - Scribble - Just Breathe

My tattoo will be the same but it will say Just Breathe. Every time something isn't going right, I tell myself to just breathe and it will be over shortly. Whenever I get angry, I tell myself to just breathe and regain my calm. All my friends tell me the same too; they know when it needs to be said. 

The feather, for me, means communication. I use writing as a method to express myself, even if it's just simply in a personal diary. I love writing and it has gotten me through so much in my life. Now, instead of the knife, I pick up a pen and start writing. It may have saved my life.

We want to get it done over the Christmas break when we are both home. For placement, I'm thinking back left shoulder. It won't be completely visible but I will know it's there. 

I'm excited but terrified at the same time. I'm probably more terrified of telling my parents. 

Just Breathe

I had an amazing weekend! I didn't do much but my best friend came to visit. We both needed it. She recently broke up with her boyfriend and my life has slowly been going down hill. We both needed a friend. Unfortunately, the weekend did have to end eventually. 
I've been thinking a lot lately... That's never a good thing.
There's this guy from my hometown that I really like. We dated a few years ago but it wasn't really us. We were forced by our friends. Now, we've had time to actually get to know each other. Turns out, I do really like him, and I think he likes me too.
It can be so complicated sometimes though. We act like a couple when we're together but we never actually talk about it. I've tried explaining this in a nice way, a way that doesn't make him seem like a jerk, but I can't do it. He's actually a really nice and sweet guy. 
I've talked to some of our friends and he's apparently afraid of the distance. He doesn't want to start a relationship based on long distance. That's why we broke up in the first place but we are two different people now. We see each other every few weeks so it's not a lost cause. 
I've been trying to find the courage to talk to him about all this but I can't. I'm too chicken. The last time I fell for a guy, he ended up breaking my heart and never speaking to me again.
I know he's in university right now and there will be other girls but I just want to believe that I'm different, that I mean something more to him. He definitely means something more to me. 
I will always be curious about what we could be if I never take the chance.
One day, (hopefully soon) I will convince myself to talk to him. Just breathe and take a leap of faith.
Why do relationships need to be so complicating?

It's been a while.

I think my depression is coming back. I can't tell any of my friends so I will tell you, whoever you may be. 
I stopped writing because I didn't think I needed to anymore. I write to feel better, I can express my emotions without a care in the world or without fear of judgement. Now, I write again because I can't find the right words to tell my friends how I really feel. They'd sent me to the hospital or something anyway. I don't want that. I want to be able to say I got over my illness on my own.
I know I should see it this way, but I see depression as a simple cold. It gives me hope that one day, my cold will be gone and I will be happy once more. Truth is, colds happens all the time, multiple times a year. I hadn't thought of that until now. Depression is my cold. 
Everything seems to be going perfectly until one simple thing happens and brings back all the problems. My problems aren't even major but they affect me so much. I consider myself an emotional wreck all the time now.
Here's an update though: 

• I've lost my best friend. I guess he simply decided one day that he wouldn't talk to me ever again. I try to not let it bother me, but truth is, I miss him every day. He was the first boy I ever really loved and he was my best friend. (M)
• I'm really good friends with someone in my program. She's really nice but is really caught up in her own life. I try going to her for help about anything but my life will always be second to hers. It always makes me feel unimportant. (A)
• I've been friends with this guy for the past few years. We tried dating at first but it was forced because of our friends. We broke up because we knew we weren't making our own decisions. We were still good friends. Over the summer, we became closer and some may even say we were an item. I never knew what we were because I don't like rushing in to things. I liked him and he liked me. That's all we knew. That's all that was needed. Recently, I found out that I'm only a piece of his game. He keeps me around because he knows I will always be there. He doesn't want to label anything because he still wants to have fun at school. That really hurt. I never thought he was the type of guy to do that. (S)
• I now have trust issues. I haven't dated in a year for a reason. My last boyfriend cheated on me and didn't even have the guts to tell me. I had to find out from someone else. We haven't talked since. And as for the guy above, he was my friend first. How can a friend do that to a friend?

The worst part about all this, is that I was a happy child. Everyone knew me as the always-positive one. I liked being known as that and I will work hard every day to achieve that once more. 
This blog is mainly to keep me from cutting again. I think it's been two years since I last cut. That scars are almost gone and they were there as a reminder. Over the past two years, I always wrote when the need to cut became overwhelming. Today, I'm not too sure writing will stop it. Please help.

Good night, and good luck

Another day has come to be and as the days go by, I become more and more confused with life. I am so fascinated by so many things that I don't know what I want to do. It's been a while since the last time I placed pen to paper to write for me. Life has so many options. I love writing; I love music; I love art. Neither I am good enough to make anything of it. I wish I could sing, life would be so much easier. I wish I could put my imagination on paper, or even canvas, everything would be explained.
Deciding what to do seems like such a small decision but it is the most difficult to make. How will I know I've make the right choice? I know I want to write, but I don't want to be a journalist. I want to write children's books or even a romantic thriller. I just can't seem to find the words. Over the next few days, I hope to start my first children's book. Even if it's just a few ideas on a piece of paper, I will feel accomplished. This is only the beginning. Wish me luck!

Published

My entire life, I believed I was never good enough. In high school, I attended a French school in an English community so I always felt like my English wasn't as good. I have always known that I've wanted to write because of my imagination. No matter what language, my imagination would never end. It could take me places I have never been before or even scare me in ways I didn't think possible. 
College has taught me that I shouldn't be too harsh on myself. For some reason, people see me differently here. We published our first edition of the school newspaper today and not only did I get my story published, but I was also assigned as the associate editor. Today, my news story as well as my editorial got published for everyone to see and I am still speechless and amazed. My picture for my news story also made front page! I can't believe it. Today has really helped me with my confidence and self-esteem. :) 

Transition

High school was hell for me, which I'm sure, it was hell for many more. I put up with everyone's bull shit in high school because, I thought, it's only four years of my life, what could go wrong. I was the punching bag in high school – Not physically but verbally. I thought it would all change. Turns out, everything is the same here. I think I've cried myself to sleep more often this past year at college than the four years in high school.
The weird thing about this new life is that I'm having more fun. I either have really good days or really bad days. In high school, they were all just neutral or bad.
At this point, people would probably say stand up for yourself. I do stand up for myself, but within reason. I don't like making a big deal of things because, honestly, they shouldn't bug me as much as they do. And if I reacted to anything, I would be known as the bitch. I like staying quiet.

The Path Less Travelled

I am no longer able to fool myself. For a while, I was happy. I had faked being happy for so long that I had even fooled myself. I'm smarter than that. My depression is seeping through my mask and it's the worst feeling ever. I've lost control of my emotions and I can no longer hide them. I do my best to hide it from the people around me. I don't want to change the atmosphere and bring them down too. I always feel like there's a little part inside me screaming "Stop it! Stop being happy! You don't deserve it. You're just lying to yourself." 
I've also been thinking of cutting again.. I know I won't do it but I miss the pain. The pain let me know that I was still alive. Now I'm just numb. I just want to experience that feeling again of a blade cutting through my skin and watching the blood. I miss it but I know it's not good for me. I don't feel like I should be cutting because I'm unhappy but because it feels like a habit. I cheated the other day. I have created new scars on my arm and I feel like I've ruined everything. I had gone a year without cutting but sometimes, you reach your breaking point and you can't help it anymore. It's taking all my strength to not start cutting again like it's a hobby but I'm getting through.
I'll be okay, I know it. It's just taking a little longer than I had hoped to get there. 

Sixty-three.

Sixty-three. 

The number of scars I can count on my body. Most of those are self-inflicted, others have funny stories and some don't have any story at all. I keep to my word, which is the only reason why I haven't started cutting again. I made a promise to my best friend a year ago that I would stop hurting myself. Sometimes I wish I had never made that promise. Sometimes I regret my promise but I will try to stay strong. People may think I'm psychotic but the pain feels good. It's my way of knowing that I'm still alive.

Like I said in my last post.. Old habits die hard.

Old Habits Die Hard

People still call me a kid but they don't know me at all. I still have some of my childish habits because they remind me of the good times. Yes, I still sleep with a stuffed toy. Yes, I still sleep with my blankie near me. I'm 18 years old and I'm not ashamed of it. I can't get rid of my childhood habits that easily. I like myself for the way I am. Habits and all. When I was a kid, everything was perfect. I can't remember a time that I wasn't smiling. All my friends' parents knew me as the positive one, the one always smiling and the one who could always light up a room. I miss that. 

I don't want to go back to the way it was because I was such a stupid kid. I didn't know who my real friends were and I didn't know much about who I was. Now, I know who my friends are because they are always there for me when I need them. I was worried about leaving my hometown to go off to college because I wasn't any good at making friends. I have made some of the best friends anyone could ever ask for here. It's nice to have one good thing in life.

Comprehension

I have so much I want to write about but I don't know where to begin. So many things have been running through my mind and I can't make any sense of it. I don't understand who I am because I change everyday trying to please society and I'm having a hard time figuring out who my true friends are. 

My depression is getting worse. I only had to deal with it when I had had one too many drinks but now, it hits me like a speeding car. No warning or anything. I've been trying to understand it and I think I do a little bit. What "they" say is true, words do hurt. People always joke around about me not being wanted. I get it, I'm that one in the group. They really do mean it as a joke but it's mainly because of the way I act. I need attention even though I swear I hate it. My entire life, I've become the annoying one because, good or bad, I had attention. Now, it's just a habit. I don't want to get attention that way so I've tried to think before I act, and try not to force so much attention on myself. Truth is, I don't want attention, I just want to feel wanted. Make sense? 

I feel like weakness is taking over my body (another reason I think there is something wrong with me). I used to be a strong person. Everyone would tell me they looked up to me for that. Nothing would get me down. I would always stand with my head up high with confidence but that seems to have disappeared. I miss being that strong. I still have some strength but I don't feel it as much as I used to. I have enough to hold myself together when others around or until someone asks me if I'm okay. As soon as I'm alone, all the feelings from before, all the thoughts that I pushed away come rushing back and hit me all at once. I become uncontrollable and I can't help it. I can't stop my thoughts and I just cry. I've convinced myself that the crying is helping though. I need to get everything out and that is the best way to do it. 

Another thing I don't understand is how my best friend is my best friend. We met three years ago and at that point, I was a closed book. I wouldn't let anyone in but somehow, he managed to. I've put him through so much these past three years and I don't know how he deals with me. I'm so thankful he's in my life though. He is the only one who can manage to make me smile when I'm crying. I'm smiling now just thinking about him.

Change

You've been ignored. I'm sorry. So much has been happening lately with the holidays and everything that I haven't had a chance to write much. Some days, I didn't even feel like writing because I knew it would just make me feel worse. Today, I really need to talk to someone though.
My best friend just told me he might be moving. I feel like crying right now but I know that won't help, and if anyone sees me, I don't want to explain. He's been my best friend for three years now and I love him to death. We've been dealing with the distance since the beginning but this is really affecting me and I don't know why. At least he'll still be in the same time zone which will make it easier to talk. He's doubling the distance between us. I get it and all, it's for his career but I don't want him to leave.
I want to be with him, I need my best friend close.I'm trying to convince him to move here. So far, it's not working very well..

Time

Everything seems to be going so quickly. It's beginning to be unbearable. I miss being a kid, I'm not ready to grow up. But that's life right?
Time goes so fast sometimes. My three-week break is flying by and I want it to slow down! I've been so busy with anything and everything that I haven't even been able to write. I'm trying to keep myself busy but it's become too much. I don't even understand myself.. I've had so much fun this past week but I wish I had spent more time alone. How does that make sense? I have no time to be bored. It's nice being home and for some reason, I just want to isolate myself from society but I can do that in college.. This break is to see my friends and I don't want to. I'm confusing myself with my thoughts. I just wish time would pass slowly so I would have time to be with friends and be alone. 
I feel the need to update about everything this past week so on another note, I'm never telling my friends anything about a guy that I like because they will use anything against me. On top of that, I'm scared to even like a guy because I don't want to fall for him and get hurt. I don't want to go through that pain again.
Change of subjects once more. I've been hanging out with my sister a lot lately and it's been so nice! I even spent the evening at her home playing Balderdash with her family. I'm glad to be a part of that. My sister and I do everything together. We've watched an unhealthy amount of movies recently and are also planning on decorating a gingerbread "train" tomorrow! 
To sum up my busyness, I need time to breathe!

Society

What has this world become? People are scared to be who they really are because of all the judgements they will get. If there's one thing that this world has taught me is that society is cruel and it takes a great deal of strength to survive.
We're forced to act older than we actually are because we want to fit in but no one is actually themselves around others. The other day, I made out with a complete stranger at a concert. That's something I don't do or never thought I would do. It's not my style.. I'd rather have a boyfriend or none at all than random hook-ups. But after that night, my friends were saying I had finally grown up. No. I find that what I did at that concert was childish. Hook-ups, in my mind, are a sign of commitment issues. I think people need to grow-up and get over them, not the other way around..
Another problem with society, we are becoming more accepting but bullying and putting down isn't getting any better. What will my children be forced to grow up with? How bad will their childhood be? I'm scared I won't be able to teach them how to be strong enough to survive what society has to throw at them.

Today was a good day.

Every so often, I have a good day. Today was one of those days. Despite only having two hours of sleep, I woke up this morning refreshed and it continued to be good. I had one class and two exams today which all went very well. The exams were both open book and they were the easiest things to do. I have survived my first college exam!
All day, I've been listening to music and it always makes me in a better mood. I've been singing and dancing around my room. It's just one of those awesome days! After my final exam of the day, I took time to just relax and breathe. For dinner, we had a Christmas dinner with all my friends in residence. It was delicious. I miss home cooked meals.
In just a few days, I get to go home for the first time in a few months. I miss my bed, my family and my friends. I already have so much planned to look forward to! I can't wait :)

Exam Week Failure

I think technology is trying to tell me something. I rarely study because I find it doesn't do much good for me. I have two exams tomorrow and I thought that for once, I would make an effort and study. I tried printing off the lecture notes and my printer found a way to freeze half way through. I lost the wireless connection between my printer and my computer. The Internet also disconnected. I was actually ready to study. The universe is telling me to stop studying and go back to doing nothing. 

When I try in life, everything else fails.

For now, I will probably go back to watching Criminal Minds on my laptop and give studying another shot later. I even made coffee; I was all prepared.