Time

Everything seems to be going so quickly. It's beginning to be unbearable. I miss being a kid, I'm not ready to grow up. But that's life right?
Time goes so fast sometimes. My three-week break is flying by and I want it to slow down! I've been so busy with anything and everything that I haven't even been able to write. I'm trying to keep myself busy but it's become too much. I don't even understand myself.. I've had so much fun this past week but I wish I had spent more time alone. How does that make sense? I have no time to be bored. It's nice being home and for some reason, I just want to isolate myself from society but I can do that in college.. This break is to see my friends and I don't want to. I'm confusing myself with my thoughts. I just wish time would pass slowly so I would have time to be with friends and be alone. 
I feel the need to update about everything this past week so on another note, I'm never telling my friends anything about a guy that I like because they will use anything against me. On top of that, I'm scared to even like a guy because I don't want to fall for him and get hurt. I don't want to go through that pain again.
Change of subjects once more. I've been hanging out with my sister a lot lately and it's been so nice! I even spent the evening at her home playing Balderdash with her family. I'm glad to be a part of that. My sister and I do everything together. We've watched an unhealthy amount of movies recently and are also planning on decorating a gingerbread "train" tomorrow! 
To sum up my busyness, I need time to breathe!

Society

What has this world become? People are scared to be who they really are because of all the judgements they will get. If there's one thing that this world has taught me is that society is cruel and it takes a great deal of strength to survive.
We're forced to act older than we actually are because we want to fit in but no one is actually themselves around others. The other day, I made out with a complete stranger at a concert. That's something I don't do or never thought I would do. It's not my style.. I'd rather have a boyfriend or none at all than random hook-ups. But after that night, my friends were saying I had finally grown up. No. I find that what I did at that concert was childish. Hook-ups, in my mind, are a sign of commitment issues. I think people need to grow-up and get over them, not the other way around..
Another problem with society, we are becoming more accepting but bullying and putting down isn't getting any better. What will my children be forced to grow up with? How bad will their childhood be? I'm scared I won't be able to teach them how to be strong enough to survive what society has to throw at them.

Today was a good day.

Every so often, I have a good day. Today was one of those days. Despite only having two hours of sleep, I woke up this morning refreshed and it continued to be good. I had one class and two exams today which all went very well. The exams were both open book and they were the easiest things to do. I have survived my first college exam!
All day, I've been listening to music and it always makes me in a better mood. I've been singing and dancing around my room. It's just one of those awesome days! After my final exam of the day, I took time to just relax and breathe. For dinner, we had a Christmas dinner with all my friends in residence. It was delicious. I miss home cooked meals.
In just a few days, I get to go home for the first time in a few months. I miss my bed, my family and my friends. I already have so much planned to look forward to! I can't wait :)

Exam Week Failure

I think technology is trying to tell me something. I rarely study because I find it doesn't do much good for me. I have two exams tomorrow and I thought that for once, I would make an effort and study. I tried printing off the lecture notes and my printer found a way to freeze half way through. I lost the wireless connection between my printer and my computer. The Internet also disconnected. I was actually ready to study. The universe is telling me to stop studying and go back to doing nothing. 

When I try in life, everything else fails.

For now, I will probably go back to watching Criminal Minds on my laptop and give studying another shot later. I even made coffee; I was all prepared.

College Life

There are many things I didn't expect to see in college but living in residence has it's benefits and hilarious moments you'll probably never see again. I've read some funny stories about what people have witnessed in college and I've never believed it. At this school, it has been unbelievable. Yes, I've had my bad days, those aren't even rare but some of those days are quickly turned around.
Today, I saw a guy running through the residence hallways wearing a cow costume. Utters and all. My life is boring so it's easy to say that the cow was the most exciting part of my day. I've also seen a guy walking around in a banana costume with a guy in a lime costume by his side. My roommate and I have roamed these hallways in monster onesies before. There's nothing that could happen here that could shock many people. 
In the college, we've even had a flash mob. I took part in that. I had never been so nervous, and I normally don't dance, especially not with an audience. I'm glad I did it though. It was probably a once in a life time thing and it's an experience I'm glad I didn't miss.
And in college, there's always that one weirdo who wears a unicorn shirt every so often. That weirdo happens to be me. :) 

Don't give up

When I was younger, I wanted a tattoo that said "Forget the past, live for the future". That has been my motto for so many years now but it's hard to live by. My life hasn't been perfect but it hasn't been the worst either. There are things in my life I want to forget. I want to forget my mistakes even though they have made me stronger and they have made me who I am today. I live hoping that the next day will be better than the last and it will continue on like that. I need to believe that it will be okay. I want someone else to believe that too. I want them to believe in me. I don't need my life to be perfect, I just want someone in my life who won't give up on me.

Alone

I hide out in my room a lot just because I hate being around people sometimes. I love being alone but I hate the feeling of loneliness. I could be in a room surrounded by people and still feel alone. I leave because I feel awkward. I feel alone when no one notices my absence. I don't want it to be that way. I sound like an attention whore but I want people to notice me. I could go an entire day and not talk to anyone. No one would see a difference in their life.
I sound like a whining teenager but I want to feel wanted. If I'm wanted, I will never be alone. Being alone is something that has become far too common in my life. I need someone there. Even if I could talk to a complete stranger, I wouldn't feel so alone. I like strangers. There's a certain level of trust because they haven't done anything yet to make them untrustworthy. I want to trust people and tell them everything so I won't be alone but that is one of the biggest difficulties in my life. 
Forever alone in mind.

Love

I like this guy. It's simple. I'm a teenage girl who likes a guy. What's not to get? That's the problem. I'm a teenage girl. I believe the lies and I've made mistakes. I think I keep making mistakes to prevent my heart from breaking again. I've been in love once. He was my best friend and he still is but now I know that that is all we'll ever be. He loves me too but not the way we were hoping. When I ended that relationship, my heart shattered and it hurt. It really hurt. I hate the feeling of being in love so I run. I am a runner. There, I said it. 

I always tend to go for the bad guys too.. The ones that are capable of breaking my heart because I fall for their lies. I'm an idiot. The guy I like now is great. We flirt and everything but I think we both are thinking the same thing. What would happen to our friendship if this doesn't go well? Would we still be friends? All the guys I've dated have always turned out to be jerks. I know not all guys are jerks but sometimes, I believe they are. I'm still trying to figure out if I should tell him I like him or not. If I do, it might ruin everything. If I don't, I'll keep wondering "What if?". 

When I was younger, I always had that vision of what my future would be like. My friends could tell me exactly who I was going to marry just by knowing who I was. They told me I would end up with the nicest guy ever. He didn't have to be "hot" but he would be the most attractive guy in my eyes. I know it sounds cheesy but I don't go after a guy for looks. They do help though. I knew I would always live out in the country somewhere away from the big city limits. This guy, he's a lot like my dream. I'm just nervous. P.S. He has a beard. Bonus points! :)

Unicorns

I have an unhealthy addiction to unicorns. I know they don't exist but I need to believe in something that isn't real. I'm trying to believe in things that are real but never seen. I need to believe that everything will be okay eventually. I've lost so much in my life that it's hard for me to see happiness but I'm trying. I'm hopeful though. I believe that one day I will be happy. That day is not today but every day I spend unhappy, is one day closer to my happiness.
I'm hoping happiness isn't too far down the road.

Life, you've got me going crazy

It's true, I'm a little insane. I have dreams sometimes that I live in an insane asylum and that life is good. There would be no freedom there though. Freedom is one thing I need. Freedom is the reason why I live far from home right now.
Yes, I am crazy. It's who I am and nothing will ever change that. I control myself though. I'm easily distracted but sometimes, if I'm really in to something, I won't sleep, I won't eat and I won't budge until I'm done. Those things include drawing, reading and puzzles. A thousand little pieces can keep me sane and I don't even know how. Drawing keeps me intrigued. I can draw what my mind cannot explain. Those drawings are hanging on my wall right now. They are mostly my dreams and nightmares. People have seen them, and they judge me for them but that does not bother me. People walk in to my room and they are scared by what they see. I'm just expressing myself, it's nothing to be concerned about. I read because I love words. I read hoping that one day, I can express one of my stories through words like all those amazing authors.
Every time I start writing, I always get sidetracked and start mumbling about random stuff.. like now. The titles of my written stuff will probably be random because I never stay on one subject. My mind won't stop wandering.

Who am I?

Do you know who you are? Neither do I. My name is not Savannah, but it could be. I'm still in the process of figuring out who I am and I'm hoping this will help me. I go by many names online but in real life, I only have one. I don't even really have a nickname. I'm a nobody. I want to be someone but I have to work to get there.
Life use to be easy for me. I would wake up every day and enjoy every single moment of it. Now, it's different. I have no motivation to get up in the morning and I don't know where I'm going in life. I feel like I don't belong here. I don't belong in this body, in this life. I want to believe that I will somehow rise to success but I'm finding it hard to actually believe it with my entire soul. 
Every day, I see the sun set and I know that yet another day has passed and I've gotten no where with my life. I want to be somebody. I want to be me. I just need to figure out who that is first. I know a lot about myself but those are only the basics. I don't actually know who is behind the mask.